If Only

The tingling of my body was thrilling as his hand moved over my backside. I’m not even sure he was aware of his spontaneous fondling but my heart skipped in delight. Maybe it was an involuntary reflex or night tremors that prompted the caress of my ass that moved to my thigh. Maybe it was an unconscious desire for me that I’ve been feeling he had but was unwilling to admit. Or maybe it was simply a misfire; that his own ass and thigh he needed to scratch, like his stomach during Monday night football. The maybes weren’t important, just the action that causes me to wonder, if only.

     It’s a funny thing how what you want isn’t always in the package you expected. Does that mean it’s all wrong for you, or should you adapt to what is now present? Desire can’t be control, but your response can be. How freeing is control? The chance is there, the feeling is strong but I’m not the shiny package advertised in the commercial, if only.

       Daylight was streaming through the shades. It was almost time to exit and immerse myself into the reality of non-inclusiveness. I was on the outside; inside the goodwill and kind heart but not the loving heart, maybe the sexual thoughts, but not the romantic, if that even makes sense. I listened to his breathing lungs, smelled his musky body, wondered how much longer I could resist and persist being the friend. I was missing something; I was on an alternate stage, barely the understudy as I waited for my big chance, if only.

     It wasn’t a hard sleep but the knock on the front door jolted me to attention

     “Alex, someone’s at the front door,” I said, to awaken him, who was sleeping much deeper than I.

     He was surely shocked to have a visitor at such an hour but soon rose to greet his guest. Alex had only been living in his new home for little over a month, and only a limited few had been invited over to relax and warm his home. As he left the bed we shared, my mind quickly wonders which of his many “friends” had stopped by unannounced. Even more urgent was what position did I need to play, so not to ruin his game, if only.

     I sat on the edge of the bed, knowing it was past time for me to pull myself together for work. As I looked around to gather myself, I noticed a figure at the side window of a woman I did not know. I was surprised and confused as to what move I should make. She peered inside trying very hard to get a glimpse of who she thought would be Alex asleep in his bed. The shock of me sitting and staring caused a backing away from the window and a dash back to her car as I smiled with slight delight. I didn’t want to see some other girl around my “friend”. I could only hope I ruined something, if only.

     She didn’t exit the same way she arrived. I noticed her walking all the way around the back of the home to return to her car parked out front. I too left the back room to alert Alex to what had transpired, but he was already outside in nothing but a white t-shirt and boxers, his normal sleep attire. I decided to return to his bedroom to await the fallout that was to come that might eliminate at least one from the group of ladies waiting for a piece, if only.

     ” Man, she freaked out.” He said, amused at the situation so he seemed. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was nothing but a front, or was it really a nonissue that I was discovered.

     ” Well yeah, she was looking through the window and then jetted when she saw me sitting here.”

     “ Yeah, I’m not worried about her.” He proclaimed but was it the truth, if only.

     I didn’t have time to ponder what the ramifications of her surprise visit were on our relationship, seeing as I needed to shower for work. In no time I was asking for a towel and washcloth, as Alex seemed still interested on what was to come with his “friend”. It wasn’t my concern, but I had high hopes for one less competitor in the mix, if only.

     The place was new, and the bills weren’t all set up. Needless to say, the shower was not hot but I’d been over before and was prepared for the frigid cleansing to start my day. It was actually quite helpful in making me more alert to work the double shift that lay ahead. During my shower, I heard Alex and another. It was obvious she was in the building and my presence was being explained away. It was just like Alex to have an excuse ready to maintain his status with all who know him. My thoughts rolled to the idea that an honest explanation of our relationship and my position in his life would be told instead, if only.

     I couldn’t make out any of the conversation. I heard laughter on his end, but nothing in response. I heard, “best friend”, and “use my car”, come from his voice as again he makes it clear what the goings are were. I made sure to take my time, hoping she would be gone before I exited the bathroom, if only.

     I made sure to bring my clothing into the bathroom to fully dress before making my appearance e into his room. As I opened the door, I heard Alex continue to tease his friend about her shocked look and dash to her car. I could tell she was not amused, and as I appeared in front of her, she stared while smoking her cigarette.

     “Hello, I’m Lawrence.” I introduced myself.

     ” Oh, this is Kristen,” Alex replied, as Kristen remained unsure of exactly what she walked into.

     “ Sorry I’m moving about but I need to get everything together so I can go to work.”

     ” Yeah, he’s running late.” Alex assisted in giving Kristen details.

     I couldn’t tell by her facial expressed if you was paying attention or even cared about what I was doing. She just remained quiet as I packed up my belongings and continued to get ready for work. I returned to the bathroom to brush my teeth, wishing I had said more. Wishing I had confessed my feelings, confessed our past, confessed my hopes for the future despite his insistence that it cannot be. I wish I had been strong and bold, and the end result would be fruitful and full of the passion I had yearning for Alex, if only.

     I finished composing myself and re-enter the room. “We need to be going,” I said, rushing the end of their conversation so not to be even later to work.

     “Ok cool,” Alex replied, but I could see Kristen still had more to say. I left them standing there, grabbing my bag and made my way to the car. I could only imagine the kind of fit she must have been having. She came over for a reason, and to her dismay, Alex was unavailable as he tended to my needs. It must have been devastating for her. She must have been overwhelmed by the imagine of me laying next to Alex all night, watching him smirk in his sleep, wondering if his wet dream was about me. And let’s not forget the first caress last night that has me rushing to spend the night again for a repeat performance. She must want to call it off and storm home rejected and dejected, if only.

     My bag went into my trunk as I waited for Alex to appear. It wasn’t long after I sat in the driver’s seat did I notice Kristen walking out, showing neither happy nor unhappy emotions. There was no wave goodbye to me, just a straight line to her car, and a tire squeal as she left. Alex locked up his door and made his way over to me.

     “ Yeah she’s mad I keep making fun of her.” He remarked as I began to pull out of his driveway.

     “ What do you expect? She sees an unknown guy in your bed and you are making fun of her.” I replied.

     “ Yeah but it’s not like we were doing anything. I told her we are just friends.”

     I pulled into traffic, steady thinking about our friendship. Just a week ago I thought we would be more. Alex was so attentive and caring. He knew what to say, and when to say it for maximum effect. He remembered everything, even little things most people don’t think about, just to show you he’s paying special attention to you. He just knew how to make everyone he wanted to feel wonderful about themselves, and even though he is not a stone cold handsome man, he never had trouble pulling females.

     But I wasn’t a female. I was the man of his dreams, cool with his immature ways, supportive of his dreams, and helpful in making them a reality. I had his back when others thought so little of him, and was up fron cheering him on. I ate up his kind words, giving him the satisfaction of knowing his game was tight. God willing, I would show him how it’s really done in the bedroom, putting both male and female to shame with my techniques. But I’m only male. I’m the one who can’t be talked about. I’m the friend since being bisexual isn’t acceptable, if only.

    If only it wasn’t taboo. If only Alex was comfortable exploring what turns him on, instead of sticking to the norm, no matter how stifling it was to him. If only compatibility was enough and not outside opinion on what makes a relationship a successful and acceptable. If only I was a woman, then the issue would be a non-issue since we are so perfectly matched. If only I didn’t have to go to work and had the time to express my heart to Alex before he drove off with my car and my thoughts of the great things we could do together. If only it was meant to be.

If only.


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