The journey I am on is very dear to me. With Buddhism and mindfulness, I feel I am opening up myself to new experiences and a new way to see life. On the flip side, I am less enjoying what I see not only in myself but in other which is causing more of a divide than I expected. I’m feeling the pain of receiving this gift but am I really just turning into a judgmental person in my quest for peace and serenity? Maybe I just want my practice and what I feel the benefits that will come from it way too much.
I was informed early on what would happen in becoming more spiritual. I was informed the negative side of the human experience would not only try to stop my practice but in witnessing it as an observer, I would begin to feel pain and sorrow. I tend to feel other’s emotions even before fully embarking on my path, but with the limited knowledge of my practice, I have begun to see more of the ways we as humans hurt and tear down each other. The dark side of this experience has revealed itself to me, but brought with it old baggage I haven’t been able to fully shake from my own habits. It’s almost as if the good I was doing for myself was calling out to that negative entity that forced it to twist my practice to its will. I’m also finding that entity is more cunning than maybe I even dreamt it would be.
Most of that sounds naive and I can’t say it isn’t. I am aware the Universe wants the best for us and itself. In doing so the Universe will test how strong we are in terms of our decisions and convictions. I have begun to see that negative entity right beside all the positive moves I make for myself, but even now, and me feeling as though being aware would help to fend off its power, I’m still surprised how powerless I am to stop it. This boils down to lack of skill and too much hope. I say too much hope because hope is a great starter but the work has to be the work and effective. As I have really tried to see my hope as just that, I am noticing my work might be the problem.
I very much want suffering to be lessened in my life, but that desire is exactly what is currently causing more suffering than I thought it could. I am following Buddhism and somehow my practice has morphed into my own hell based on my craving which the second of the Four Noble Truths explain is why we suffer. I know I am wanting this peace and wisdom too much causing me to miss the real possibilities of my practice. I am causing my suffering and in some cases placing the continued suffering and stalling of my practice on others.
This realization is hard for me but I know it’s Ego. In truth, I need to know this because I am serious about my path. Without these realizations and missteps, I in no way can grow to become my best self and helpful. I have been dealing with others seeing my practice as too intense and I have to seriously consider they are right. I don’t concede my feelings on my direction are incorrect, as I do get that as a result of my deep craving for it. I now see what was probably behind those opinions were the unskilled way I was going about these things. As I wrote in, Friends Not Friends, those around me came into my life when my practice was not as present. Their push back with all the changes in my process and interactions with them have ground and merit. Now I feel I am able to accept changes in my knowledge and my learning that will be more of a benefit, but I can’t and still won’t stop the journey and direction, just make adjustments.
Flaws are a blessing and I’m getting a chance to see and bathe in them at the moment. As hard as the smell is, I have to continue to manifest these struggles so that I may work on them with deliberate intent. Even though Pride and Ego seem to be fighting for their lives within me, I know they are in hospice care as long as I continue to self-evaluate and stay open to other’s observations. For all this awareness that is presenting itself, I truly am saying thank you. My journey sometimes feels counterproductive to being a human in this day and time, but faith has me knowing everything will be okay because I will be doing the work with more reverence and utilize what the Universe throws at me because it cares even more than I do. To that I say, welcome you negative beast.