The title here is pretty strong, but I’m in an interesting head space here. I’m someone who enjoys paying attention. I observe behavior to improve my understanding of people, mostly to understand motives as to assist those looking for my brand of counsel. I also use skills learned through my Buddhist practice to make adjustments in tone, word selection, and approach, as these practices have done so much for my life and how I interact with others. But even using an approach from the teachings of the Buddha can leave you in hot water, if your audience just isn’t with your message. There seems to always be one who feels as though they know you and what your real motives are no matter evidence or words to the contrary. Someone who feels like they are sent from above to right the ship they see heading towards the Sirens. Are they right?
I recently was in a situation in which I had to defend my whole way of thinking and approach to life. I usually am able to entertain this challenge with a smile if I entertain it at all because I’m someone who already looks deep within all the time, trying to water the seeds that will bring me to peace and contentment( a word I am finding is almost like death to some). Lately, I have been getting the feeling like my approach is incorrect. I have noticed all the pressure I have been putting on myself to realize all that makes me, while the Universe appears to keep telling me to sit down and stop thinking. I keep hearing through memes that pop up, through the direction and conclusion of random conversations, through movies, and watching the amazing show “This Is Us“, that my current problem is my mind; my pride and joy.
The situation I was presented with was a mirror of my past inside what I thought was a new potential friend. I enjoyed the quick mind that came with a seemingly tolerable quick tongue until it was no longer tolerable. It was obvious by the way he carried himself he was confident. The particular word choice that worked with definites and certainty informed me not to attempt my full brand of, well me. This was a person, I felt, was sure of what he needed to be in that moment and many others but not because it was him, but because it was created for a reason. I had no intention of changing any of that until his creation attempted to come at me with a wrecking ball. As I was seeing his true nature hiding behind his domineering nature, he was trying to dominate what he thought was a spirit denying itself. He was right.
I wasn’t clear-headed in this interaction( but I will be from this point on with him). I am usually able to assess and present what is needed when faced with a challenging personality but in this moment I couldn’t even be, in the moment. I was thinking ahead and really was catch not being able to think as I used to. The more I tried to calm and center, the more I couldn’t and lost the ability to communicate. Now, I’m able to see the purpose of the interaction and why his personality was essential to the narrative the Universe has been trying to reveal to me.
First I have to say, his approach and general being I didn’t and don’t care for even now. I don’t particularly react well to aggression of any kind. I tend to feel as though those who can not regulate and control the fire within are weaker because they are controlled by it. It could be that and it could be they enjoy going off and being loud to which I continue to have a low opinion of them, as I feel that person still to be less than and CRO magnon. I was so focused on that point during the interaction that I was unable to see his purpose for me. I was in analyzation mode of him and everyone else that I forgot to monitor myself for what I was supposed to get out of this experience. Knowing through experience that a lesson is available, that the Universe is always giving me something has helps move me forward in wonderful ways, but in this exchange, I knew this and was unable to work with this knowledge, in the moment.
Everyone you meet is the person they are. Whether they are on the correct path for them or not truly isn’t up to anyone else to decide. I’ve had a big problem with that lately due to my empathy and feelings running a muck. I have not been nurturing myself, and with the questions that I have been having about my approach, the situation exacerbated that conflict giving me the appearance I’m unsure of myself. Who I’m supposed to be and my purpose in life is not in question. I’m just getting the since I might be doing too much work in a couple different areas that might be holding me in place instead of moving forward. It’s clear he was picking up on that energy while using his experience and preconceived notion of what it means to be a practicing Buddhist to classify me and figure me out. I use to be that person who did that the first time meeting someone. I’ve moved to being the person that picks up on certain red flags but prefers more evidence before classifying anyone. But I’m also, due to this interaction, wondering if I or anyone should be in the business of classifying unless asked( more on that subject later).
The thing I probably missed was just enjoying the moment but I don’t think that meeting was for that purpose. I needed to see myself tell others about themselves with as little knowledge on them as this man had on me. I needed to see an internal struggle in someone that looked to have a strong sense of self that might have things jumbled. I don’t know him so I can’t really say and really it doesn’t matter. The situation gave me something good to think over and I see growth from it.
But the reactive side of me has to throw out at least one dig…” told you I would write about you today.”