I tend to be the person many of my friends go to with problems in their lives. It’s not that I have my life figured out, but it’s clear to them I am on a path of listening to the Universe, and changing course when needed for a better life than I had a second ago. This decision of mine was not an easy one, but with the help of Buddhism (and a good therapist a few years ago), I was able to look at old wounds (past post you will love) and make great change. Lately, I keep seeing the same problems in each of the friends asking for my assistance these days and it troubles me. I then decided to look at those other friends that seemed to be doing better in life, but in doing so I saw one or two of the same issues that, to me, hadn’t hit a fever pitch just yet. Since I am the guy they run to, and I have this nifty little blog, I thought I would share and help as many people as possible. So here we go.
It seems that many of my friends have put people in their lives to punish themselves. Some of them are in romantic relationships with them, while others just have them as frienemies. I don’t find any of this really uncommon or earth shattering, however when you make it the focus of your awareness and see the frequency around you, it can become troubling and for me, all I want are my friends to be happy. Then I had to take a look at my life. It’s also very common that your life will mirror that of those you interact with regularly, and those that you attract. I am one of the lucky ones to have a practice of awareness, because when I did look, I saw I, for the most part, have become good at removing toxic people from my life, but I still have work to do and the sad part it currently resides in those people I am trying to be of service to.
I attract damaged people, those who aren’t bad but have some kind of need where I can use both my psychology training and my Buddhist practice (both of which are unfinished). I see now it’s a way to keep fresh and to validate what I see my purpose in this world being. However, I also have found these are my old scars I put there to punish myself. I’m punishing myself for not completely college earlier so I counsel others to prove I can and having many if only moments of regret. I also punish myself in regards to my Buddhist practice, as I am constantly halting my practice to do other things that are mindless and unhealthy, seemingly to rush back to it and find if I’d just keep it as a daily practice I’d be more joyous than I am without it. I would say it’s the damaged helping the damaged but isn’t help, help?
I guess my current issue is I am exhausted, not from being that person who helps others, but from seeing others not use that help. I know it’s not something I truly can help. People will do what they want when they want even if they are hurting themselves in the process. I am like everyone else so I know I only change in my own time and in my own way, but I am tired of those asking for the same exact help and not doing anything but letting me ramble on. I’m mostly tired of seeing the hurt in them. I’m tired of people being very deliberate with their punishment. Why are they dating the same type of abusive person? Why are they letting their friend speak ill of them all the time and just smiling back? Why are they giving and giving, then being shown they are just being used, but give the same way to that person and the next one who shows only they are going to do the exact same thing?
The answers are going to be different for everyone, as we all have different experiences in life. I hear more often than not they are focusing on the good in the person and not the bad. They feel if they are the friend they want from others, everything will work out and they will be rewarded. I am an optimistic person as well, but I’m not blind. A good person overall can be a bad person from time to time. It could be just specific to you and your energies not being right together. It doesn’t mean you failed or that something is wrong with you. But to allow yourself to be mentally and emotionally kicked and punched day in and day out, only clinging to hope doesn’t serve anyone. This is what I am finding is most common and I have to admit the reason I too am having a difficult time with some friends.
I like to see the potential in others. I often times can see why a person may be hurting and I have a problem casting people away who haven’t done anything wrong to me, but I see their situation as being a black hole of sorts. I don’t like to assume so I am that person who likes to confirm what I pick up from others but once I do I begin my process of help. Over time the help will either work or just be an exercise in insanity but even then I feel by removing them from my life, I am being the jerk and uncaring one. Again, they haven’t hurt me, cursed my name, or anything one would consider cause to remove a person, but I get from them too often a draining feeling after interacting with them. If I am really trying to heal myself and be strong on my path, I can’t let the regret I felt when I stopped my life continue.
I hate endings like this because I too am working on the scars of failure. The difference is I am aware and will come to a resolution that fits me very soon. What I’d like to say to the audience is stop. Stop living in the past or the future. Live in the moment and pay attention. Each moment has the right answer for you and no answer is right if it involves your sadness and pain.
NO ANSWER IS CORRECT IF IT INVOLVES YOUR SADNESS AND PAIN.