Life has always been described to me as a series of ups and downs, struggles and triumphs, and successes and failures. When things are working smoothly with the sun shining on every one of your decisions, you seem indestructible until you aren’t anymore. The inevitable fall from the top starts to reverse all the work you put in making you mark on this world, and the decline seems to gain speed with every additional decision to course correct. It’s in those moments real growth and living begin. When everything seems stacked against you, the experiences you let sink in will shape how long and hard you fall, and how successful your return back towards your purpose will take. But in all of those ups and downs, who really is measuring your life’s success and worth? How far do you have to climb back up to be seen as redeemed?
I started this blog December 5, 20011. I had just been fired from my banking job, broken off an intense relationship that burned so hot it seemed it could only head towards fire and destruction, and saw the only conclusion to my story was to call it a wrap and end my life. I truly felt I’d hit rock bottom when I was shown people in my life cared deeply for me. I was encouraged, well really hunted down by my ex-coworkers, the local police, my therapist at the time, and my parents to come home and accept the love and help I needed to begin again. I thought after all of that I could go on and maybe through my experiences I could help others while primarily trying to rise up and discover what my purpose in this world contained. During this time of discovery I realized there are many rock bottoms and I hadn’t apparently seen mine just yet, with the next five years moving me forward the way I felt I should go, while knocking me hard every time I felt I had a grip on the Universe’s plans for me. My narrow view saw me spotty with my writing, my Buddhist practice, my employment, my health, and my friends and family. I didn’t see the Phoenix, just a life of battling to maintain and questioning if my story was authored by Stephen King.
It’s been more than a year and a half since I’ve published a post, and if I’m being honest it’s looked very similar to the year of 2011 in which my life was on the rise until a series of egotistical decisions had me ready to throw in the towel. A few months ago I quit my job, was on the verge of ending my life, and lost the friendship of someone that truly aided in some discoveries that still help me today. I couldn’t believe there had been no growth prompting me to look back and see if I was really just the loser and black sheep it seemed every family had to have, and it seemed pretty clear. I wa
s again jobless, trying again to break the cycle of addiction, and searching for meaning when I really could just be too full of whatever Deepak, Oprah, and Amazon Buddhist section was selling. Luck for me I did start this blog because after reading past post I am here to tell you my final chapters are far from over.
So I’m back. Over the next few months I’ll be going more in-depth over some of the hardships I caused in an effort to examine and illuminate how certain things could have been avoided. With that being said, I’m still the guy who believes everything happens for a reason and wouldn’t change one thing. I’ve come to the thinking this cycle in my birth and rebirth is a cycle of tough situation to test my growth from previous lives for what’s in store in the next. Some might say I’m being grandiose and delusional, afraid to accept what they see as just trying to keep a brave face and avoid the fact I’m a fuck up. While that might be true without these delusions I wouldn’t be able to get back on the horse and even test if I truly am a fuck up (side note I am and will always be from time to time) but also I know I’ve made growth each time and will continue to be a fuck up until the lessons for me have been learned. I’ll also be taking you on this new journey with me as I look for a new job, continue writing the first book in my new series; along with a refocus on my Buddhist practice to discovery the root of my repetitive struggles and questioning of my path. Did I mention my plans to finish my psychology degree so that I may pay forward the help and love I was given.
To go back to the beginning of who really has the scorecard making decisions on winners and losers, the truth of the matter is I don’t know. It appears to be more internal than anything as we each have a vision for our lives that if not accomplished seems to denote failure. I’d say throw out the scorecard because I have met many people who’s accomplishments could fill up stadium but were no closer to being happy than myself at my worst. Am I redeemed? The question itself suggest I need to be something other than myself which has caused the upheaval that creates doubt and missteps I no longer want at the level they have been. A person is redeemed when they take the action to look within and discover. They don’t stop, they don’t give up, and they don’t accept less than out of life.
This what redemption looks like. This is the Phoenix.