This morning I was confronted with a question on relationships on a social media forum; specifically why someone in a relationship would still actively fish for compliments by posting sexy and suggestive pictures of themselves on social media and groups. One comment mentioned having a conversation with that partner to understand the motives behind their need to showcase their physical appearance. Others wanted to just let the person go, as they felt it was just the beginning, soon leading to cheating. And of course those more inclined to take those selfies, mentioned others insecurities over their hotness. As much as I am a fan of conversation, sometimes actions tell you all you need to know, but am I being a hypocrite?
For the record, I would for sure have a conversation. If you care about someone, you want to understand why they are carrying on in a manner you feel isn’t good for them or the relationship. To sit by silent while they, in your mind, make a mockery of the relationship, or that they just don’t think of your feelings helps no one and continues to hurt you. If one truly loves themselves, they would do what is necessary to help the situation, which usually starts with a conversation. I will always be for understanding motives because I feel intent is important in making an informed decision. I want to know why, and maybe it’s a Western concept, but I don’t enjoy operating from a place of fear and suspicion. I like my actions to be based on fact as much as possible, or the seeking out of facts through experience.
In the case of a selfie addict, recent studies have shown excessive selfies can mean one of two things: the person has low self-esteem and needs compliments and reassurance from others, or the person has so much esteem for themselves they want praise and worship from others. At first I felt there must be a third option. I post pictures sometimes because people ask for them as I really am not a fan of taking pictures of myself. For me it used to be about low self-esteem in being very skinny as a child, and not thought of as attractive. Like many ugly ducklings, I filled out, grew into my face and am considered slightly above average, but I still barely take pictures. For one, I try to enjoy the time I’m having. Stopping the action to video, or take a picture takes me out of that moment. And two, I don’t really have that kind of ego and need to share everything. But in any case, just on my own experience and those of my friends, I realize the two opinions about selfie takers is correct, without a third and fourth option.
I’m left wondering does it matter the reason when one is in a relationship, and showing off their body to others. At first glance, a person would call the partner that is hurt insecure. I have felt that way before but soon realized very few people can enjoy their partner flirting and being half-naked to the world, and still be secure in themselves. Another side of things involves respect. Is it really healthy or respectful to the relationship to flirt or be half-naked for the world? In asking that question, I am returned to one of my biggest issues…ego. Is is egotistical to frame another person’s actions as being about yourself?
I tend to reframe from giving direct advice, wanting people to think, experience, and then come to the conclusion that fits them. I still want that but today I want to be real clear on how about feel about selfies, people who use them every moment of the day, and ego in a relationship (the latter needs a whole separate post). I’m sure one can guess by the tone of the previous sentence where I stand on things but I am also not a fan of guessing so I will make this real clear. If you are in a relationship…STOP TAKING SEXY PICTURES TO BROADCAST ON FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, OR ANY OTHER SITE. STOP TAKING VIDEOS FOR VINE, SNAPCHAT, AND YOUTUBE. STOP ACTING SINGLE OR NOT TAKING YOUR PARTNERS FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION.
All of that assumes the aforementioned partner objects to this kind of behavior. Some people get a high from everyone else lusting after their man. I am not that person not because I am insecure but I just don’t like it. I feel bad when I look at a man who is taken, with the first thing I do when I find someone attractive being to look at their ring finger. I respect love and people’s’ relationship. It is hard not to covet sometimes, but I work hard not to because what I respect most of all is love. I can’t help but feel when a person is doing all that show, it stops being about us and is about them. If its low self esteem, there are other ways to deal with that. If it’s you are overly confident, well that kind of information was probably seen in other actions, and I don’t deal with that kind of narcissism.
I am a fan of social media. I love connecting with other people because I am a people person. I understand we are a very visual society but come on. If I saw your face yesterday, I probably know what you look like today and a few months from now. Time isn’t friendly but it isn’t that cruel I need daily updates. But the main thing is selfies are about ego to me and I just have a hard time accepting ego on either end. I am about communication, and if you need others outside of your partner for whatever esteem, then that has to be addressed.
I began taking more and more pictures of myself and my activities recently at the request of others, and because it looked fun. I quickly have gotten over it, as I just can’t see this as productive for myself. I’m about to be like Sia, who lets her artistry do the talking and keeps it moving. I hopefully am leaving you thinking about your own selfie need. Even being single, is that selfie really all you are?