This post is one of the few where I am pretty much venting to work through my personal dramas. I never go into situations wanting to be unkind but it’s going to be hard with this subject. It really boils down to my frustration with those that only remember your name when they need something. They often forget about the missed calls you made to them, unanswered texts and emails, and the multiple invitation declines. At times I personally don’t even understand why they keep my number, but lo and behold, a sporadic text saying how good a friend I am or invite to chill. What really am I suppose to do with that? It’s in these moments I know I’m being testing, because everything in me is saying, ” I was not your friend yesterday.
Now to be fair, I have many friends across the US and a few overseas. I truly don’t hold them to as high a standard as those in my area. In truth if I did for some, they still wouldn’t make the cut as my friends abroad keep up more than the ones five miles away. But my main issue is with those that can’t use being busy as an excuse. It’s important to remember that social media tells all of your business. I never could quite understand those that say they are sick, don’t have gas money, or whatever to get out of getting together but then post these exciting exploits on Facebook and Instagram. It’s like they forgot I had access to all of that, but I can’t help but think sometimes they just don’t care.
I worked three jobs at one point and still found a way to keep up with texts, return calls, and make dates I committed to. I continue and will continue to have respect for my friends time and the effort they put in towards the friendship. For a long time, I just would accept the crappy friendships as I figured at least now they were making time. I really just didn’t mind the crumbs even though I was putting out the whole loaf every time they came around. This kind of one-sided friendship really took a lot out of me, but it wasn’t enough because it has never been just one or two friends that took me for granted. Truly I began to question was I a good enough person to require good and loyal friends. I was and I am.
It just burns me up how I took on the blame when others were doing me wrong. At first it was truly to improve and I do still look at my side of things to make sure I have done everything in my power to be the example and change I want to see in the world. The problem with that is I am the only one doing that. The friends that have been less than, aren’t sitting around worrying how they can be a better friend because no one is requiring that of them. They tend to have others that are more important, and others that can take my place as the lap dog; to which I say good because I have now burned your friend contract ( shout out to Cynthia Bailey).
I am never one to put specific people on blast but I assure you the ones in question ( it’s more than one ), don’t have the time to read a text from me let alone this post. Frankly, I’m a good soul and deserve better. I have asked, I have given example, and I have led by example in the hopes they would reciprocate in kind. No one is guaranteed friends, and good friends are hard to find but I’ve actually found a good group that show me everyday how much the friendship means to them. To the rest, please, waste someone else’s time.
Oh, and I must speak to the crocodile tears. While I am always sympathetic, I’m not pathetic enough to continue down this lack luster road. In no way will I not still feel warmth for all of you. It’s not in my nature to completely shut down, but I can’t be thinking of you and let any of you occupy my time. Sometimes loving you from afar (click the link) is all a person can do. Sometimes loving the spirit and memories of the good times with you are better than the lingering or more lasting bad ones you decided were better for our friendship. In either case, stick a fork in it baby.
Some might say this is not very Buddhist of me but I assure you it is. I have tried, I have meditated but I don’t have what they need or want in a friend, nor do they for me. I am currently in agony, suffering because I am feeling as though I am not worthy of the friendship I see these people give to others. I would not be loving myself, strengthening myself if I allow myself to stay in situations that are not good for my spirit and well-being. I can’t say and would never discount the idea of a reconciliation, but currently a split feels like the best decision. Let’s just be kind and call time of death, because really, I wasn’t your friend yesterday and you know it.