Seriously this is more of a reality check for myself than something I am shedding light on as food for thought. It’s been like a weekly shot to my ego, and something I have been working on but the Universe has continued to throw out signs I might need to focus my intention more on my appreciate of myself and expectations that others share the same vision of myself I have. The words ” But it’s me”, keep coming up in response to actions from others that are perfectly reasonable based on their experiences, but all I keep thinking is well, “but it’s me.” That has to stop immediately.
I could rattle off many examples of situations where I felt I was done wrong. It tends to be I feel, because they know me, they should know my intentions are always pure. I have even gone out of my way to make sure those intentions are clearly spelled out and easy to digest, but still I am misunderstood and taken the wrong way. In every situation, I think, no I know I did not give them cause to feel I was being anything other than supportive and kind, their response still doesn’t mirror those sentiments. As such I take it personal, and really I get really upset they would think I wasn’t exactly how I see myself.
The fact is people lie and misrepresent themselves all the time. I know plenty who appear to be on a similar path to myself, say the right things, conduct themselves in a lovely manner, only to show a different and negative side seemingly out of left field. Sometimes I can track to when I saw and disregarded the signs of another living underneath the surface, but often times it really comes as a shock. I often times say there is always a sign, and I truly do believe that in 99.9% of causes, but I’m not Buddha, I’m not the Universe and I can’t know everything, so for me, I do my best to alleviate confusion where I am concerned. But as I think about my motives, is it because I am trying to alleviate their pain and suffering, or because I am filling my ego? It’s both.
I am human therefore I have an ego. It might not be the ego most think of like being selfish, trying to peacock, or even being a hero, but it’s ego. I see my ego really as trying to be myself. For me I spent so much time not being me, and accepting people’s ideas of me I want to show and express who I am almost in an aggressive way. When someone attributes falsities to my character or actions, I become enraged and very defensive. No one wants to be lied about or misunderstood, but I can see I can take it a bit far, even when I am not being noticeably rude or unkind. Inside I just don’t understand, or more honestly, I do understand but I just don’t like people putting me in a box I didn’t earn.
The reality is trust is fragile. It might not have been you who actually broke a person’s trust, but that person you are dealing with might see too much of that other person in you to believe you wouldn’t do the same. The idea of that upset me to no end but I have to start thinking, what is being upset really doing for me or them? ” But it’s me”, does nothing but place myself on a level that is somewhat superior but always separate from others. If one of the goals of Buddhism is to connect with all living creatures, and a cessation from suffering, that statement is extremely damaging and counterproductive to that goal.
But it’s me, wow, it is pretty self involved. It really serves no purpose but I know that statement will be with me for a bit. While I am now focused on catching myself when those thoughts arise, I can’t at this moment see how to alleviate the separation that already exists in me. I can however take it one occurrence at a time, taking the necessary steps in those moments to excise those feelings. I also see, how I need to apology to the Universe and those I unfairly lashed out at ( verbally and mentally), because I was controlled by ego. I understand now, and I will do better.
Everyone has baggage and some scars from life. It’s the nature of life, and those that excel at life understand that. Don’t take things personally, even things that are personal. It’s important to understand why someone feels as they do, not only for their benefit but your own. This isn’t new information, but information that is hardly utilized. I thought I was doing my part, and I might very well have been, but I see I can do more.
For the first time, I understand and give my ego a hug. I see you, and you are loved.