There is so much magic in the air for 2015. I can’t even count how many of my friends are moving forward in this amazing way which I attribute to 2015 being the year of growth and progress. For myself, I have been doing very well, but like anyone trying to break old patterns and habits, I’ve had some doubts along with the positive momentum. I try to meditate for calm and clarity, but with some much I’m trying to do, my meditations are full of thoughts. As I meditate longer and more frequently, I do begin to calm the mind and then pearls begin to reveal themselves. Today I want to share the best pearl I picked up so far.
The Buddha said “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve love and affection.” At first glance that can seem quite selfish, but in reality it is a saying that has been around for thousands of years and adjusted in many ways. One way that is familiar to many, ” You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” For me, it makes sense but the word selfish tends to hold a lot of us hostage from putting our needs and our happiness first. The idea that one should receive, whether it is love, money, or affection seems like such a negative concept we decide it’s better to just give and hope for the best. I’m not saying their aren’t people who are actually selfish and self-centered, but the majority of people I have encountered give until it hurts (as the preacher tells the congregation).
I’ve recounted several times how much I am a giver to others. At first it was to secure loyalty and friendship; as you can imagine, I was unsuccessful. I have since been focused on healing that need for others in my life, and the process by which I evaluate and decide who I’d like in my life as friends or more. The first step was loving myself with all my flaws; but I realized during my meditation I was only giving myself a surface hug. I knew mentally what to do and even took time to guard my happy emotions by stopping when negative ideas and thoughts arose.What I realized I was doing was stopping the flow of my negative emotions and building them up. I was hurting myself inside.
I also realized I was showcasing my positive nature out in public, but at home I was being, well a bitch. I wrote about Trash TV, and how for me it was a way to unleash those cunty moments, yell, and call the screen names; basically being sarcastic and evil. No one was around, and it’s direction was to some fictional characters or to a reality stars I would never meet. For most that would be seen as acceptable, but then I became sad when I realized the only change I made was to just keep things to myself or be nasty in private. I wasn’t fostering and nurturing my Buddha nature, I was peacocking it around town but forgetting it when it mattered most, in private.
What my meditation did for me was to highlight the need for consistency. I want my natural Buddha nature to be a 24/7 thing, without the need for a break to unload. I want to be able to not feel the anger in a way that it must be unleashed, but more so in a way I learn why I am angry and feel the need to express it outwardly. I also want to find alternatives; not in an attempt to be kind to others, but because I just truly feel all that rage, anger, sarcasm, and such are a waste of my time on this earth. Screaming at the screen is not helpful, nor is reading someone who got on my nerves knowingly or unknowingly. The only real control anyone has in this world is their behavior and reactions.
But along with learning my triggers and deciding to be my normal good self even behind closed doors, I learned in my meditation to no longer beat myself up when I slip. It has been easy to take that approach when it comes to slips in my sobriety; but when I am unkind or have negative thoughts aimed at my perceived failures, I go in hard. I am real quick to call myself a fraud because one moment of negativity or slip in complete compassion came through. I am easily compassionate to others and always have been. I have additional always been hard on myself. But while I understand I am not alone and this isn’t a revelation in terms of human behavior, what is, is my acknowledgement and decision to do much better.
I’m giving myself a break when I slip on my journey. I’m giving myself a break when I forget to show myself love and compassion. I’m giving myself a break because I know I am moving forward even when I feel like I’m stuck and a fraud. It’s just that knowing; that awareness that many people decide to ignore or just don’t have that makes my journey positive and headed in the right direction.
I’m giving myself a break. Give yourself one too. Love yourself like no one else really can.