I am pretty new to meditation. I have been meditating off an on for six or seven years but more recently I have been pretty strong in being dedicated to my practice and the results. I started just sitting quietly with no music, meditation guide, or ritual; feeling like they would distract me, as I am easily distracted. Later I was introduced to Oprah and Deepak Chopra’s 21 day meditation challenges, which really propelled my meditation practice forward. I’m excited a new one is about to start next week, and like always they feel very geared to what I need at this moment. I’m not sure if Deepak has been digging through my trash or stalking me on Facebook, but each one has been exactly what I needed in those moments. But really what I have found interesting about meditation is how I have been feeling at the end of each session, and it’s beautiful and weird at the same time.
It is never easy coming back to the sense world after a deep meditation. What I mean by sense world is the five sense and completely knowing you have a body, you are a person with a name, things like that. During deep meditation, those ideas can sometimes just disappear and you are kind of just left with emotions. It’s such a difficult thing to explain. The first time I felt outside of myself during meditation was the scariest and most beautiful thing at the same time. I didn’t know if I was alive or death; I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or not which was actually the feeling that shocked me out of my meditative state. I wanted to cry during my meditation but also felt this really strong bliss I had never felt before. This was the moment I knew Nirvana was real because I imagine Nirvana to be exactly that way. I was just floating about experiencing everything and nothing and yeah it was amazing.
For a while I was meditating with that feeling in mind. My goal wasn’t to be still and accept; my goal was to get back there. I was getting frustrated at my inability to re-enter this state I saw as the whole purpose of meditation, and that defined purpose was holding me back. I was meditating trying to steer the experience instead of allowing the experience to just be; further sowing negative seeds and road blocks. This process would go on for almost two years until I just gave in and shut up my mind and target. I decided to pretty much start over and just focus on the breath or whatever mantra I had decided for that day, and the results have been amazing.
I haven’t been back to that deep meditative state but I have gained so much insight on myself and what I was doing wrong with my meditations. Lately I have been somewhat knocking on the door of deep consciousness; as coming back to self has been taking longer and longer. Just the other day, I remember ending my meditation session but was struggling to open my eyes. My heart was racing and I was breathing deep as if I had just ran half marathon. I was exhausted and I couldn’t understand why. I say couldn’t but I still don’t have a full grasp of what was happening but I have theories.
I feel like my unconscious mind was having fun at the playground and was pretty unhappy at being asked to set aside again so that I may be a part of Samsara. As much as I want to stay meditating and in bliss, I have to go on this journey and live until my cycle has ended. I also feel like sitting still is not just sitting still. The work it takes to clear the mind is exhausting and rigorous. The truth is meditation isn’t for everyone at every stage of Samsara. It takes a certain mind to want to meditate, and another mind to be successful at it. This kind of thinking is at odds with the commercialization of mindfulness these days, but it’s just how I feel. Being able to sit and connect with the Universe is a gift, but not a gift just handed to you. You are required to study and practice, you are required to have faith through experience, and you are required to give up some material and human pleasure for access to the gifts of the Universe.
All I have said is nothing more than my experiences from meditation; my conversation with the Universe. I have before shared with friends this heavy feeling of re-entering my body, and some have shared similar tails. This leads me to believe I am on track with my feelings, and helps me not to think I was just tripping on some good shrooms ( I really don’t use those, yet ).
But yeah, sometimes when the Phoenix has landed, it lands hard. Where it’s coming back from only the Universe knows.