I’ve been accused of being able to drop men for potential dating opportunities with ease, but potential friends with greater difficulty. I might have a handful of men I have given a second chance to date me, but friends have gotten more than they should have after some serious wrongs. It boils down to my good nature and hope I have for them. I’m not naive to think all people are good, and will with proper guidance and love become good; but I see those I let into my circle as having something extra that drew me so it makes cutting off dead weight in regards to a friend nearly impossible, until now.
The idea for this post was going to be directed as someone specific. This friend has a lot of people around him I like to call his minions. I saw them in his life for what he could provide for them. He and I even had conversations where I shared my concerns about having valued people in his life like myself and a mutual friend of ours, but the more I began to point out a lack of substance in his life, he would try to give and give to distract from the truth. As hardships came upon him, he made some effort to reclaim the solid friends he once had, but in the end he was unable to stop some of the previous relationships, behaviors and decisions he had been making and I couldn’t be there. I was aware he had a couple of solid friends in his life, as well as a mutual friend or two I could check in on his progress without contacting him directly. I decided his current stage of life was in direct conflict with mine and I couldn’t spend as much time on a friendship that was one-sided and not productive for me.
After dropping that friendship down to an acquaintance level, I began to look at a few other friends I needed to do the same thing with. These friends were some I met while being ensnared by my drug addiction but was still enough of myself to see the light in them. As I moved away from drugs, I attempted to maintain a friendship with a few until I saw their lives were all about drugs and sex; and associating with them made me too often think about using again ( often times relapsing ). I’ve also noticed friends that aren’t bad, aren’t on drugs, but do have a harsh spirit and tone about them. Some can brush it off, and I can as well but as this is my only life as this person called Sonny, I plan to make the most out of it, not letting even the slightest negative person remain in my circle for too long. In the end my friends list has diminished and I have no doubts it will continue as I find the balance in my life that everyone, friends and family alike, will have to respect if they intend to be in my life. So as I’m not a jerk, or intentionally hurtful person, I expressed my concerns and most tried but in the end I decided to accept what current stage in their lives they were in and left so they can experience what they need to move forward as well as myself. I have chosen to still love them, hoping for a return to friendship status but I will love them as they are well away from me.
To love someone from afar really is to diminish the amount of time and contact spend with them so they can be themselves, not feel judged or feel like they are disappointing anyone. You as well get to remain yourself, not feeling like you have to baby someone or protect yourself against their bad decisions. The way I do it is through mutual friends I can call for a progress report making sure they aren’t hurt or in real need. Beyond harm to themselves, harm to others, medical emergencies and really just something anyone with a heart would rush to be of service with, that is the extent of my love. I choose not to follow them into the abyss, or just watch them as they spiral out of control. I am someone who invest in my friends but have learned when it’s time to drop some stock and put more into others that yield better long term returns ( like the stock analogy? ).
The point is this is about love. I love myself more than anyone else, but also love them hoping their experience on whatever road they are on will bring what they desire. In the end I have decided not to let anyone redirect my ship, but mostly its about being of service to those that want what I have to offer. A true friend doesn’t want to hurt their friends. A true friend doesn’t want to make them feel less than or unworthy. A true friend values their friend’s growth and opinion, knowing they have their best interests at heart because they care about their friends. We all have one or two and seriously that’s plenty. I had to take a long look at my true friends and now I feel I am better at showing my love for my friends today than in the past. I’m also better at noticing who my true friends are and getting rid of the rest.
I have people in my life only if I can be of service to them and vice versa. Once I realize that can’t happen, I weigh what having them in my life at a distance can do for me and them, still hoping we both can matter more in the end. I’m not cold at all when I opt out of the friendship. I see it as love and love will always be there. Just sometimes it will be from afar.