Most people who know me are aware of my dating style. It has been redesigned in recent years to shorten the time dating those ill-suited for me and to enjoy the dating process even if it’s not a love connection. I truly believe I can determine compatibility in two dates, the first being observational and less intimate as a one on one dinner can be; the second being that one on one to really get clarification on what warning signs or whatever came from the first date. Getting a third date with me is a miracle, not because I am too tough but I know what my energy requires at the moment; anything less is a waste of time. But I do have exes, even with my new approach and currently my closer friends consist of an ex-boyfriend or two. Nothing truly wrong with that however in speaking with other friends, their ex-boyfriend exchanges haven’t been, well productive.
It’s surprising to be able to be friendly with an ex. Often times the split is less than cordial, leaving residual feelings of not only anger but love. The great things about the ex are still there, it’s the negative or overwhelming qualities that lead to a break up that are the concern. If time has passed between interactions, ones vision of that ex is almost brand new, and thoughts of a reconciliation becomes a factor and a dream. In my earlier dating life, I followed that dream a few times, and I have to say I currently do everything possible not to double drip ( date someone more than once ). In those days, I hadn’t taken the time to investigate if the reason for the break up was still present, and I got caught up in the same energy I enjoyed before, sometimes new exciting energy that was stronger and blinding. Dreams of a new, fresh and lasting relationship became a retold nightmare ( I mean remakes tend to be a mess ).
The interesting thing currently is my exes all seem to have tamed the base reasoning for our splits. They are looking all new and shiny and I am tempted. A couple of failed dating attempts have also popped up, mostly out of loneliness or a fresh break up of their own, as they remember my stable and positive energy. Fun fact: I am not someone you put down and pick up when times are hard. I value myself more than that, and I see right through it so the attempt becomes insulting and a waste of time. But being actual friends with an exes, seeing the progression and healing makes things very interesting and complicated. Should I, shouldn’t I; will I, wont I? If everything is connected and happens for a reason, what is the reason for the strange bedfellows?
To start again with an ex is a matter of choice. I will reiterate, if the reason for the break up is still present then a second attempt is a waste. But even then, further investigation is important to truly know if that person has adjusted themselves in a way that makes sense for them and sense for a second chance. It’s also important to note whether you have been standing still in your own growth while they have been evolving into their true selves, possibly beyond a matching energy for you. I mean dating and coupling, deciding to share space and experiences with someone is extremely difficult, but dating an ex again comes with baggage that might be too much.
So as my mind has been thinking of the possibilities of breaking my rules, I remain just friends with my exes. Friends with an ex has many benefits due to them seeing you at your best and worse. The obvious downfalls are those feelings that might still linger, which then can turn to jealousy if the door is still open for that reconciliation. And then what if that door is cracked a bit, both being mature and having the conversation, the decision is a new friend base should be established first? Is there fear that while the feelings are there, the time trying to make sure a second chance is a good idea leads to the dreaded “friend zone”?
For me it’s worth the risk of the friend zone. I believe my match is out there, and yes we could be friends right now but I don’t believe in forcing anything. The reality of friendship with an ex is the murkiness of it. Unless a conversation about the past, present and future is had with a clear mind and truth, the success of the friendship is shaky at best, and a relationship doomed to fail out the gate. Are you just interested because it’s comfortable and familiar? Is the timing just right? Are you just lonely? Are you just tired of waiting and dating? Or are you just a match, seeing what distance apart has done to your feelings and actually seeing this ex for all they are?
These are all personal questions and one that must be asked for one’s on sake. Don’t let your need for companionship ruin what could be your destiny from the start with this ex, a true lifelong, loyal and trusted friend. Oh, and don’t sleep with them, wow those can of worms.