I’m a such a weird little gay. I’ve done the extreme sex rampage; jumping into threesomes, groups, orgies, and S&M ( I can still be Buddhist and get mine since I am not a monk ). And I’ve gone through moments of no sex, not even self pleasure going on for weeks and months. During those times of sexual reprieve, I was extremely productive with my fitness, writing and my friends. During some of them I was going on dates but as yet another example of my weird gay behavior, I don’t have sex in the beginning when I am dating someone. I am, dare I say it, old fashion when it comes to dating and sex, but not when it comes to me being single and wanting to get it in. So what’s really going on?
I am such a person craving balance. I turn to Buddhism for much of that and continue to be thankful for its gifts. In terms of sex, I always enjoy it ( even the many many many bad experiences ) because I am the type to hold on to the one good moment that presents itself, whether it be a quality in an otherwise bad person, or just finding that silver lining that is always there. I began giving away my sex as a means to keep a man. My gay sex introduction came at the rip age of 16 and yes he was an older man of 37. He should have been ashamed and me well I just wanted to have my first full experience and it was lovely and one I wont forget. The problem was he and I attempted to see each other for a month or so, then I met and slept with someone my age and began to see him. Once that didn’t work, I again slept with and dated another gentleman and so on. This was my pattern for a good six years, truly believing that was the only way to secure a gay man as a boyfriend and husband.
In the straight community, women keep that cookie on lock. Of course you have those that are sexually free but for the most part, men don’t keep those for anything other than sex. The gay community seems to champion first date sex, random hook ups and DTF more and well into their thirties and forties. The DTF lifestyle seems to fade in the straight community once reality of a bachelor’s life and social norms shove marriage and kids down their throat. While not being straight, I was raised in a straight Baptist family with those social norms prevalent and yes they are a part of my being. I want that husband and the security of a family.
What I’ve noticed is my sexual appetites tend to center around boredom and follow the leader when I am being aggressive and slutty, to prudish and nonexistent when I am focused on my personal growth and my hopes for a husband. And when I am in growth mode getting my goodies tends to be luck of the draw. You really must be in the right place at the right time and fast because I will get over feeling sexual as quick as it comes on. I sometimes fear I will struggle with being sexual in a relationship, causing my husband to find relief outside of our marriage. Then I got over that.
Bottom line is I am a pleaser. I have never shut down access to my goodies to someone I was dating and would never. A relationship is a partnership and a choice. When you choose to couple, you are deciding to take that person’s feelings and desires upon yourself to help manifest. You can’t be selfish and as such if he wants to get it he gets it, within reason. I want a relationship in which I am able to share sexual passions because I care for him as he does for me. But don’t mistake sex for love or intimacy, as I will want that more so present in my relationship then the D&B ( dick and ass for the unknowing ).
If you are unaware of what constituents showing love and intimacy than please do not apply here. I would give a list but again asking for a list tells me you are not aware of the individualized nature of love and intimacy so again, do not apply. Every time I cuddle up and hold you, we will not be having sex sweetie. Yes my dick got rock hard, I do not need it sucked, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Truly I want to know my man is just as thrilled with my presence and my daily showing of love that doesn’t require me to drop my pants as my goodies. This is a perspective that takes a minute to develop and might never happen. I’m lucky to have this state of mind but in truth I always have. I allowed myself to be lead astray but I mean come on, what gay role models or images were available in the 80s and 90s ( later blog post to come on the topic )?