Transparent

imageI almost feel silly writing this post after Monday’s declaration of my independence from insecurity, and proclaiming I am ready to be unabashedly me. I may have jumped the gun, feeling too much of the New Year’s spirit of transformation and rebirth; but I have to confess I have had some feeling of dread, anxiety and just pretty much been overwhelmed each morning I felt up to starting my journey. I could easily chalk it up to my already identified self-doubt, fear of success, or just habit energy; but this time I am not so sure.

Starting over isn’t new to me. I go in spurts with most things, picking them up for a short while until something else gets my attention and then I am rejuvenated and ready for a new adventure that is also short-lived ( evidence here ). I truly don’t mean to transition so quickly, and for much of my life I interpreted this to being less than confident in whatever project I was engaged. More recently I realize I am just distracted by people, negative habits, and natural life struggles that I truly just get overwhelmed or bored, because again someone put something shiny in my face and now that’s all I want.

imageLast year I stopped some bad behavior i.e., drugs. I reconnected with a regular meditation and Dharma reading practice that really motivated me.  I began yoga, which I had been interested in for a couple of years and started to phase out red meat and bread.  It was magical and I was seeing so many benefits, but it was also very calculated and strategic.  I would meditate, usually using Oprah and Deepak’s 21 day challenge, and after a few days I would get the itch to read and study the Dharma.  I would do those two things only for a week or two, which then cleared my mind and made me ready to add in eating healthy which always made me want to get my fitness back on track.  It always seemed once I was back in my mind and body that writing followed, and I started writing my book last year. Then distractions came and I was struggling to meet weekly goals, and lacked the diligence to just pull things back together. I was so proud and almost three months in at that point and like usual I wavered and had to start from scratch again.

imageI had no intention of setting New Year’s goals I just knew this year I had to be better. I made a promise to myself to just wrap up some bad behavior, try to get everything out of my system and come hell or high water ( love Papa Pope ), I was going to be my true self this year; and there in lies the problem. I went right up to New Year’s day doing it big, feeling like I had it in me to wake up that morning and just do it. I pushed off one day saying okay tomorrow and then Monday of this week came. I wrote that blog and was ready to meditate but didn’t. I didn’t write on my book, no yoga, and the only success was my diet. I should be fine because I did have a better day than others but I had plans. I saw my day being what I really want everyday to be: blog (on those days), meditate, yoga, book, Dharma studies, friends, TV ( I’m still an addict ), sleep and repeat. That’s a lot and what I realized it was a lot to expect on day one.

I was causing my own dread and panic because I forgot how I got to the wonderful balance I had for those brief months last year. I was practical, strategic but mostly I was kind to myself. Step by step I built the life and habits that fit who I was and what I wanted and this time I went head first, all in and got beaten up. Yesterday I was, well I was frozen and if not for some amazing friends I might have lost much more time trying to open the door holding my true authentic self hostage with the wrong key.

imageSo now I’m in planning mode. I’m working on a schedule to step by step bring all my pillars together. I’m pretty much pouring the foundation which starts with a clean mind and body. I hate it pretty much means resuming the book has to wait just a bit. Being honest I haven’t really had any ideas but being honest more, once I just start reading what I’ve already written and get back into that world, the ideas will come and I wont be sleeping as those little buggers want to enter my mind at 2 am. I stay creative with this blog which also lends itself as my personal therapist. Step one has to be meditation and if all I do for the next week or two is blog and meditate I will be fine. The truth is I love both and while I don’t want those to be everything, zero to sixty makes nothing happen so it’s time to start driving like my father.

Tortoise time to secure my end of the year goals.

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One thought on “Transparent

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  1. I can definitely understand the starting something and not ending it or getting bored and just stopping because of my ADD, in so easily distracted. But for some reason being in a relationship has always helped me in that area, as long as my partner understands my needs (and issues) and helps keep me focused. My last relationship made it 9 years, and didn’t end because of my issues, it was more our issues. But as long as I keep focused I’ll keep going on the proper direction, up and forward.

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