I can honestly say I attempt to be all things to everyone at my own expense. If someone is not feeling well, I’m quick to ask, “what can I do for you,” because I know I am a big baby when I am sick, and some of my friends don’t have anyone to bring them soup or just sit with them while they sleep. I plan birthdays when friends are used to doing nothing because no one else cared to celebrate them on their special day. I also got into a few bad habits through no fault of anyone else, just me trying not to stick out anymore than I already feel I do. I don’t mention any of this to lament, to blame or bask in my awesomeness, I mention it because things are about to change.
I have always been insecure. I realize I’m not the best looking but I know I’m not the worse either. I look at my writing and enjoy it but I mean come on, I’m not Baldwin, or Hawthorne. As much as I’m not a fan of negative thinking now, I used to be and still have my moments of self-doubt and pessimism that requires supportive words from friends, or beginning processes I discovered work for my to regain my inner power. I can come off indecisive, comfortable in the mediator role and being Buddhist in my words of wisdom (which if you read here, I’ve gotten flack for ). I can be anal about promptness and respect, deciding to let egregious disrespect go within my group of friends for the sake of harmony and controlling my ego that screams for what it deems as “respectable behavior”. I took the time to look back like most do around this time of year and I believe I’ve been flawed in thinking I was insecure.
I’m realizing I made myself smaller for the sake of those around me. It’s not to say I’m grand but I’m my kind of grand for what works for me (are you following?) So I have a way of walking that is like Naomi Campbell, but still trying to deliver some form of manly energy. I love it because it’s strong and soft and I am careful when I walk that way so not to be a flashing billboard for homosexuality. I am careful how often I reference Buddhist stories and principles because a side effect of seeming wise and together is those around you see how they could use some work on their own spirit and intelligence. I can continue with the way I dress to how my home looks to the fact that I like to smile big in my selfies or any picture in general instead of the standard no smile or half smile smirk. It all boils down to I like me; I love me really and I love the growth I am dedicated to in myself. My way of living does not have to be an indictment on yours but I see it in the eyes of casual friends or new additions to the group that my way shines too much light–too much light?
So now I’m tasked with giving the real, ya know because of all that Buddhist reading and meditation…get over yourself. I’m taking this moment to be a bit more direct that I tend to be because I usually can get my point across with better language, and sparring the feelings of those around me ( which is what I prefer) but I need to hit the cheap seats because there are too many still unaware of some simple truths. Your mirror is not my mirror. If you are looking at my life or anyone else’s attempting to compare, to evaluate your own for what level of success you are at then that is your decision. I spent too much time walking around trying to be peace and love, non threatening, and obliging that I forgot I already am still with my walk, my speech and my ways. It’s you over there putting your own spin on the meaning of me because your light isn’t shining the way you want it to.
I’m a little aggressive right now and I can say I don’t like it. It’s funny how some of my negative behaviors people want to coax out of me more. They want me aggressive because they mistake it for passion. They want me to smoke because they don’t want to feel ashamed they let a substance control them. They want me to show flaws but I mean sweetie there isn’t a moment in life that I’m not showing a flaw and that will continue. I’m fine with that but I’m not fine with what you want for me. I had to begin to be fine with a lot of things about myself I wasn’t seeing in others. I don’t have Buddhist friends and it’s hard staying in this positive head space when others are still searching for their spiritual base ( that long post is coming in more detail). I am the only one trying to eliminate meat from their diet. I have few that like the gym like I do; and no one watches as much television and movies as I do ( I still go to the museum too ). I am me and while all my friends encompass a part of my personality, lending itself to why we are friends to begin with, I sometimes see in their eyes and without them realizing it, they can say things that tell me they’re overwhelmed with my many shades.
I’m everything to everyone, chauffeur, cook, therapist, host, you name it I will transform; but I often times am so little for myself. I’m beginning to take some boxes off what is available for everyone else and move some things to my side. Sure up yourself and realize it’s not personal but necessary for all involved. I plan to be more myself than ever and if it’s too much to handle the exits are to the front, one in the back and an emergency exit to your left. This doesn’t have to be about you. Simply fact is…it never was.