Placeholder-Consolation Friend

This is a weird post for me to write, because I care about all of my friends; from my best girlfriend living in Charlotte, NC to the same as my Facebook friend in Dallas, TX. Much of this has to do with me being compassionate and empathetic causing me to constantly feeling, which gets me into both good and bad trouble. The other part has to do with how I wasn’t very close with my family, in the sense that I felt like the outcast and used my relationships with my friends to fill that void. I don’t have people in my life that I unpack when the top five aren’t available.  I care for each one differently but the same, but I have noticed I might be alone in this one.

imageIt’s hard not to quantify people’s relationships, and rank them in importance. I do have my handful of best friends that I speak with more, and hang out with as much as I can and I have other friends that I feel aren’t’ at the level due to schedules or maybe a push on both sides to make the effort. When I have lost touch  with friends, it really was more a situation of out of sight out of mind, but once the ball got rolling again I cant help but try to move all my friends to best friend status, along with big group status.  I would love to have twenty great solid friends that all know each other and could go out often as a large group ( annoying to the wait staff, so I’m sorry in advance ). But like many I have a few and the priority seem to favor those that are available first, like-minded second, and reciprocal effort last.

imageLet’s talk about reciprocal effort.  I personal don’t like things one sided. If I feel I am the primary force moving the friendship along, I will stop, and this goes for relationships too. I also in no way believe people when they say they are too busy to reply to an e-mail or text ( calls sometimes), because it’s less than a minute and I know how my smoker friends find time to get that nicotine hit so a quick shot of consideration shouldn’t be that hard. It really boils down for me to consideration and my way of thinking puts me at odds with many people. I will stay the guy who gives forewarning on if I’m running late, or if I can’t make it at all. But to those that give me a half effort, not  in any way showing they are cognizant of how they are affecting their “friend,” I say goodbye before it gets to a true level of annoyance.

To that point, I had, yes had, a friend that started as an acquaintance of a good friend of mine. My good friend ended up having two jobs while in school and became very hard to get together with. I understood but who doesn’t want to hang with their good friend, a sentiment the acquaintance shared as well, so we began to fill the time and enjoy each others company. I was thrilled because it was obvious why my friend and he were friends, and now I was able to share in that enthusiasm and entertainment in lieu of my original friend. Over time with school going on break, and the need for a second job no longer there, my good friend was more available and my new friend was not, or at least not to me. The daily calls and text were hard to come by. He also decreased the time we spent, giving it to our shared friend but not thinking to invite me. At first I saw it as them reconnecting, but then it was apparent I was just a filler and no longer needed. In the end, my good friend remains my good friend while the other friend is barely an acquaintance.

This saddens me because of the bond I felt was forming. I didn’t see it as a friendship of necessity as we both had other friends we spent time with. It’s not as if we had to become friends becauseimage we shared one in common ( please take note of that Facebook ), but I was happy about the time and the growing of importance he had on my life, and I thought I had on his. Now we are nothing and I’m not sure if I should see it as wasted time or just moments that are meaningful but no longer.

I’m a strong guy so I see the best out of most situations. I don’t really want to ever be a placeholder friend again but to be a friend at all you have to be open and vulnerable. I could always ask him, bring to his attention my feelings but in the end I’m not about forcing anything and i have plenty of friends. But damn, really, who wants to be a consolation friend.



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