It’s no secret I have put myself through a lot. I want to focus on the important part of that statement; I, not anyone else, have put MYSELF through a lot. Every so often, I will look back at how I was then (may be years or a week ago) and how I feel I am now; and I can’t help but feel a certain regret for my behaviors towards myself and others. It wasn’t a pretty picture how I conducted myself, and while I know the basis for those actions and thoughts, and have made extreme progress to become my true self, I can’t help but think am I being an idiot for regretting my past.
If I was reading this post by someone else, I would know exactly where it’s going and you would be right, I do not regret the past. We are nothing more than the sum of our experiences and I wouldn’t be the exact person I am at this exact moment in time without the exact past that I have. But damn it was a hard road. I mean did I have to get fired from my job to realize I wasn’t following my dreams? Did I have to date that man (yes one specific man) to understand my dating habits and learn to be more observant while dating? Did I have to lose my best friend ( two in fact) to value the ones I have now and understand how to love myself better? HELL NO.
I’m sorry, I do love who I am now. I do love the fact I have a huge reservoir of experiences that gives me a perceptive that can seem deeper and more well-rounded than if I hadn’t had those experiences before. But I am still picking up the pieces from those experiences, and it sucks ass. I can’t believe the universe really needed those things to happen to get my on my true path. I can’t believe pain is the only way to triumph. Well I have news for you, it is and it isn’t ( I’m always in the middle).
If you get it right every time congratulations. You get to wake up right on time, eat a healthy organic breakfast, get every green light, ace ever test, and just know bliss; everything is awesome. But being judgmental, you don’t know bliss, you know bland. You don’t know the bliss that does come from pulling yourself out of a sticky situation. You don’t know the experience of hurt to help others that don’t have your charmed life. And while everyone is striving for a piece of that, I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t like a little struggle with their morning coffee. But what I’m really meaning by my earlier condemnation of the Universe refers to the all the left turns I made when I should have gone right. I’m sure I would have hit several potholes and basic rush hour traffic, but the six car pile up, and washed out bridge were all completely avoidable and unnecessary to realize my purpose. I look back not for regret but for a reason as to why I turned left and was there any way to really know that right was the correct direction to go, and I found the answer.
I believe fully that the Universe would have shared with me my current knowledge through less painful experiences. I know I made my life extremely hard and when I looked back I saw everything. I remember what he told me that gave away the ending of our relationship. I remember the second job opportunity that was there, I didn’t take because of doubt and the difficult nature I thought I was avoiding by taking the job I ultimately was fired from. And I saw the selfishness, knowing if I was to get caught I would lose my best friends. Hindsight is a bitch but the worst part is not listening in the moment. Every last single moment had that right turn sign flashing with fury. The Universe didn’t do anything to me, aside from getting fed up and forcing my hand. I had ever warning available but still decided to put my hand on the hot stove when my mother warned me. But with all that, I still can’t say I wouldn’t do it again. It’s like I would want to do it again but still try to make it work for me, or I don’t know get the joy out of it before it turned to hell (I have to stop looking directly into the sun).
I still regret some of my past. I mean I love where I am in my spirit and soul, and I do feel like my struggles were a necessary evil. I also believe if I went back in time, with my current knowledge, I would make more left turns and create new regrets. The Universe isn’t the bad guy, I believe we are our own bad guys. I mean we know not to have that extra beer, not to curse out our boss, and not to date that known crackhead, but hey where is the fun in that?
You tell me once you hit rock bottom.