It is better to have loved and lost..Bullshit.

Most quote the famous line, ‘ It’s better to have loved and lost, but to never have loved at all’, but after my last relationship in which I loved him so much I really wish it would have never happened. It was a deep love. I wanted him more than carrot cake and anyone who knows me knows that is my favorite. But with that love I allowed him to do so much that diminished my spirit.  I was disrespected, used and ultimately heart broken.

So the relationship ended and I went down a really long hole of despair. I spent a week in bed, barely ate( I did lose 5 lbs though), and couldn’t keep homicide out of my mind.  Even now while I am over him, I find it very hard to trust men. So was it worth it to be deep in love? I use to think love with all its ups and downs was still worth it.  Being in a funk currently I’m not so sure. If I knew it would stay then of course I’d love to love again but the possibility for it to crumble and to just regret what I searched for just isn’t high on my list anymore.

One of my good friends has just found out the dark side of love.  He too is determined not to love as deeply as he did before.  I coached him on the reason love is so great and tried to get him to stay open to that earth shattering love that still is out there. I was an optimist for him but at home I called bullshit real quick. Maybe I told him what I hope to believe again. And he will read this so I hope he isn’t pissed with me.

I just can’t give the usual bright side right now.  I use to think the great thing about love is the uncertainty of it. It’s what makes love so great and it is the great thing of love but I’m just not willing to go there right now.  My natural state is to be optimistic and a fan of love. I’m just still getting over my heart break. But come on, someone tell me love is really worth all this pain when it explodes in your face.

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