I’ve done a “Its get better” post before but for some reason I felt I needed to speak on bullying more and expose myself in the process. Two things came up for me this past weekend. I was watching a program and the gay actor mentioned that when he was young, he was an angry gay, hell bent on making those who ostracized him feel as out of place as they made him feel. Another show I watched had an even younger gay character, about 10 years old, fully embracing his uniqueness, unaware of if he is gay or not, but still being bullied in school.
I had to think back to my own young life. I was bullied from time to time but nothing so bad as what happens today. I had a life that was fun with friends and a reasonable amount of popularity but still I had to contend with a few that felt making me suffer was the joy of their days. I remember eating alone in lunch some years just to get away from those people. I remember hating some classes because I knew no one and had no choice but to endure ridicule. I actually was an angry gay over time. I found people weaker than myself and I needed to make them feel small like I did. I needed to transfer my pain away to get feel better. I was 10,000 percent wrong. I was in pain and maybe those that bully are as well. Maybe that’s the way to stop bullying is to help the actually bully figure out why.
I envied the ones who embraced their nerve and uniqueness. To be able to say” kiss my grits, I’m gonna be me all day long”, those are my heroes. In the community it tends to be the more feminine ones, the drag queens, the transgender queens that show us the way to real acceptance. The worst part is how we in the gay community make them feel less than; even more so than the straight community. It has to stop.
I have no answers just questions. I know I need to make amends for my on bullying and I hope my current life is doing just that. I will be judged in the next life, hoping I won’t come back as a water bug or something. If anyone wants to blast me for my actions, feel free because I deserve it. If I knew then what I know now about courage and life, man, what a difference.