Knife to his throat

I wanted to kill him so badly. I’ve never loved so much, and yes loved so much I wanted to kill him once it ended.  This was the first time I understood the true power and meaning of a crime of passion. Just to be clear, I didn’t do it but I truly was out of my bed, shoes on, keys in hand with my knife and I was ready to change my life and his forever.

So some background, I fell in love with a man that even now I’m not sure loved me.  He loved to take care of me, carry my bags, open my door, and even left several “just thinking of you” messages on my phone when I was at work. He made me fall in love with him by being sweet and caring; plus it didn’t hurt he was good looking aside from those missing teeth that drove me crazy.  As the relationship continued, I noticed he was less and less about me and more and more about sex(not with me) and drug use.  When it was just him and I, and he was slightly sober( just some weed and not the harder stuff he liked), we were so good to each other. As soon as more and more outside elements came into play, we grew apart but I didn’t love him any less, and I was incapable of ending the relationship.  He left me at home many times while he ran the streets, lied to my face, and just became someone I didn’t know, but yet I was still in love and wanting it to work.

So it didn’t work and my rage was all I had left.  He finally ended it with me after another evening of disrespect and I was home wondering what I did wrong.  Maybe I really didn’t love him. Maybe he just enjoyed someone loving him so much they risked more and more of their own comfort and worth for him.  I could and have maybe’d the demise of my relationship for a while but in the end I was just left with rage.  As I saw it all a game I was heart broken and I wanted him to feel my pain. I knew I couldn’t do it emotionally so I was just left with physical pain.

A few days after the end I stopped by the hotel I had paid for, and he was still staying.  When I entered after his invite to come over, I saw three naked him in the room.  He had also changed his look a bit which I didn’t find attractive. I felt like this was a great thing because the men and his look made me thrilled the relationship was over.  Later when I was home knowing he hadn’t even let the situation dry before being the whore he truly was, I became enraged and was ready to cut him to death.  I got up, ready to take his life.  As I finished getting dressed I looked up and was blessed to see my statue of the Buddha staring at me.

When I began dating him, I was very much into daily meditation and practice in my Buddhist principles.  Over the course of the relationship, I became so much about him and fitting into his life that I was no longer practicing.  I lost my balance and now I can say I have it completely back.  I also realize one thing that ended our relationship was me not being who he fell for in the first place. As I tried to be like him, he could no longer see me, the real me that drew him in.  Lesson learned.

Yes I almost crossed that line.  I can’t say I don’t still have thoughts of homicide but thank the Buddha he is in another state.

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