It is a choice

Their isn’t a single soul in the LBGT community that would say homosexuality is a choice.  I myself remember at a pretty young age being interested in both boys and girls.  I vaguely remember kissing boys at day care, then having my first real crush on a girl in kindergarten. I remember touching and kissing boys in the neighborhood and still thinking about the new girl who I had to meet first.  I didn’t even know what being gay was until 5th grade, when it was the choice put down from all the bullies.  I immediately stopped my activities with the other boys, focusing on girls that I did have interests in but never fully keeping my eyes away from the male form( sports and soap operas were heaven for me).  It wasn’t until high school and the boys locker room that I couldn’t deny where my true feelings lay.  I wanted to feel full and happy.  It wasn’t that the girls I dated didn’t give me joy, but I knew something was lacking.  It was more a feeling of following expectations than truly following me heart.

As I continued to follow my heart, I started to pay attention to the backlash from anti gay organizations.  The word choice was used more times than gay and I could only remember choosing to only be interested in girls and choosing to stop my other feelings.  In the end I did choose to fully embrace my homosexuality but it wasn’t to be different or controversial, or even to be over sexed and disruptive.  I just wanted to be happy and feel like myself.  I CHOSE to be myself and not apologize for it.

But I did apologize.  I made another choice to stay hidden from the critics, my family and my friends. I was a closeted gay man, even with suspicion from the peanut gallery in school.  I never confirmed, feeling being authentic would cost me too much.  I chose to reveal just enough, tearing my insides to shreds as I had to explain my single status and put on a brave face. I chose everyday then I chose for the final time. I chose to take the mask off.

The initial decision isn’t ours.  I had zero knowledge what homosexuality was as a child but I knew I felt whole and like myself.  I only chose to meet expectations solely based on the negative connotations surrounding being gay.  No one wants to be an outsider, or told they were a sinner heading straight to a fiery abyss.  I chose the hardest path of all; to deny my spirit and nature to be unnaturally heterosexual.  Like a virus, the hetero choice had my true homosexual nature attack it like white blood cells.  I spent many lonely and painful days and nights, trying against all odds to maintain my choice to be hetero.  In the end, the antibodies kicked in and I was cure, allowed to be myself.

I A M AN OUT AND PROUD GAY BLACK MAN.

So yes I made a choice. I chose courage and honesty for my life. I chose putting myself first and fear at a distance.  I chose alright, and I’m happy with my choice.

Advertisements

One thought on “It is a choice

Add yours

  1. Love it and I agree with you I have a few friends that are gay and I know for a fact that they felt that way since they were old enough to have feelings and know what they like. Love it keep up the good topics!

    Like

What's your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: