This week wasn’t the best for me. On Monday I was able to jump ahead and write several blog post early. It makes it easier so I can just publish in the morning and get on with my day. So that is pretty much all I did this week. I’ve been sick and it has really held me back from being productive.
To be honest there are more reasons as to why I wasn’t productive this week. I think my fear of success is acting up again. It’s a reoccurring thing with me. I know I have potential to become a great writer and a great contribution to society but I’m so afraid that is just in my head. That I’m just a regular person meant to do nothing more than exist. The other thing is if I am able to succeed and get everything I want from life, then what? Am I then just suppose to exist or am I done and should just waste away?
When I’m studying Buddhism, I have less anxiety and desires to be great. Buddhism teaches suffering lies in desire. It’s not to say having ambition is wrong but it does lead to suffering when you can’t accomplish what you seek or have to sacrifice other things on the road to your success. I’ve always struggled with wants. To want is to suffer and I’m tired of suffering but how to I really stop wanting?
I have stopped most of my material wants. Lately I’ve been clearing out just stuff. I realize the clothes, the DVDs, and all the gadgets really do nothing but collect dust and take up space. The want and drive to always obtain these things brings suffering so I have eliminated that need. But the desire for success and realize my destiny are still my main source of suffering. And the fear of actually reaching my goals are my next source. I’ll let you know how things go.