Depression at some level happens to all of us. Depressed about progress at work or school. Maybe depression over a lost loved one or opportunity. Depression has so many forms sometimes one doesn’t even realize they suffer from it. Well after years of ignoring it, I realized I suffer from depression and am in treatment. So let’s talk about my treatment.
My therapist is a very nice guy. He is the second one I have used as the first seemed not to remember previous sessions and was quick to recommend medication with out even discussion my issues. He instead listened to me and gave me some real opposition to my ideals. The best part about him is he uses Eastern philosophies like Buddhism in his method. Being a Buddhist I could tell after our sessions, and once I would study my spiritual books and doctrines, that a piece of it was familiar to me and the reason we are a good fit. And he is actually Jewish, go figure.
We fight, well I fight against his tough talk. He pushes me and when I’m not ready to be pushed, I push back and shut down. It’s typical but what he doesn’t know is I take what he tells me and utilize them at home. I don’t want him to get a big head. And I’m aware it’s not exactly productive but I still have a problem being vulnerable in front of him.
Before I sought help, I had many thoughts of suicide. I can even remember writing a note in elementary school due to many bullying situations and many lonely playground days. I can remember serious thoughts of running away but I never did because I knew it would get better. But as my life continued to be more difficult than others, or I should say more difficult than I could handle, suicide was always an option. I had a friend call my parents in high school after a disturbing phone conversation she and I had. I was upset with her then but I understand now.
My problems stem from not feeling loved. I never felt my parents loved and understood me. I struggled with friends becoming mildly popular but never forming deep connections that lasted. I never was invited to parties but always had fun with my “friends” during school, but my after school hours were spent in front of the television. I struggled with my sexuality and while I had many short relationships with girls, I clearly wasn’t happy with them.
If I had to pin point what it really boiled down to for me is not trusting that I can be loved by all and deserved love. I lacked confidence in the gifts I have been blessed with. So with that knowledge am I fixed? Not by a long shot but my progress amazes even me. I have moments that I fall back in to doubt in myself but the moments are shorter and shorter in duration than ever before. I’m making strides even if they aren’t as big as others would prefer.
So what’s next? Daily commitment to myself. Sometimes it’s a good thing to be selfish. I use to think I was but only in the superficial things. When it came to doing right for myself and no one else, I could never do it because of the fear of losing people in my life who really weren’t in my life to begin with. So I’m a selfish mutha shut yo mouth. A I love it. My New Year’s resolution is to continue to be selfish and heal. Happy New Year’s all.