The first to say Goodbye

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This is an extremely hard post for me.  I’m a man in love with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. After yelling and arguing, and me not understanding why either of us were in it, he finally had enough and cut off his feelings.  He was done, smiling and already hunting the next for fun times.  I felt like a bit of it was a show to make me hate him since I was so unwilling to leave on my own accord. Now I’m brokenhearted.  Que the music Brandy and Wanya-Brokenhearted.

How could he just walk out the door? How could he not love me anymore? How can you call me husband and so easily stop?  This was a case of open relationship gone wrong, but more importantly it was impossible for him to really respect me.  He caused me so much pain and then followed it with ” I love you”.  Rage is what I felt then inconsolable pain. Que the second song Aaliyah-The One I Gave My Heart To.

I can honestly say we didn’t know how to love each other.  We went in thinking we knew how to make the other person happy and loved the way we always had.  We didn’t ask the right questions and the only one that was important was, ” How do you like your love?”  I tried a few times to get him to have a serious conversation about expectations but fun was more important.  He wanted to live by the moment and be carefree but we never discussed rules for the open relationships or needs from each other.  It was half-assed.  It was the greatest love I’ve known and the worst. Two more songs and then I’ll stop. Lauryn Hill-Ex-Factor

So here I am wondering why I was allowed to fall in love with someone that wasn’t suppose to work. Why did I have to learn love’s lesson and have it almost destroy me? Why couldn’t I say goodbye when it was most important?  I don’t have the answer to any of these questions.  I’m a guy who loves love so much I don’t take care of myself in the process.  Let me rephrase that.  I was a guy who loved love so much I didn’t take care me myself.  I’m not that guy anymore.  While love is my desired path, I know I will survive. Sorry you must have know this song was coming. Gloria Gaynor–I Will Survive

So I might not have been the first to say goodbye but I know it was the right move for both of us.  Am I over him..No.  Do I want him back…depends on how lonely I get.  Am I moved on…depends on the day.  But I will find love, healthy love.  Still wish though it was him.  How sad am I? I lied, last song. Lyfe Jennings–Goodbye

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8 thoughts on “The first to say Goodbye

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  1. Dead written subject matter, regards for selective information. “The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.” by Corra Harris.

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  2. Thanks, fellow buddhist brother, I empathize as I went through a similar distance relationship that was also open but was not getting the minimum level of communication to = consideration and the same with the I love you’s not being backed up by actions though I believe they were ginuinde/not lies.. I chose to reframe/ give a friendship ring, so still ‘friends’ -but no partnership can continue without sufficient communication It’s key esp. in open relationships! Best wishes and Namaste

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  3. at first i want to just shake you, you are worth to be loved the way you want to be loved and if someone else does not want to be there let em go, and then learn from it for your next relationship. When you go in doing what you think would make the other person happy especially if it is not who you truly are it is destined to FAIL. you cannot love just for the sake of love. I have been there and it does not work. Second open relationships are tough there has to be a lot lot lot of communication to call it a relationship. It could have been just a good friend that should have never went into the relationship status.

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  4. I think you did the right thing at the right time. You were vulnerable and your emotions were getting to you and you really didn’t know if you wanted to say goodbye. I think it was the best thing that could have happened though. Something that I have learned in my lifetime is when you start a relationship to early and don’t set the right expectations for the relationship everything can and will get twisted. One of the people in the relationship will do what they want without even acknowledging the other.

    As far as the a lesson you learned in love, its something that “most” of the general population have or will learn at some point in their lifetime. Rushing into a relationship for ones own satisfaction is typically what happens cause they feel the need. But in reality you don’t need to rush into it. As for me, my personal advice is to get to know someone and if you both want an open relationship set the right expectation. I personally don’t recommend it an open relationship due to the uncertainty that will follow.

    Thats all for now.

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  5. Well shit, old friend…better to find out now that it wasn’t right than 20 years from now when you’re separated by a table with lawyers on either side carelessly and thoughtlessly carving your lives into shared margins of what is fair and unfair.

    This is the trouble with relationships that begin as distance and then go right away into deep, loving, close-proximity relationships – what at first seemed like something beautiful to fantasize about, now up close, isn’t quite as beautiful as we saw it first. Like a painting that from afar is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, but up close, you see the cracks in the paint, or where the artist spilled some lox from his bagel and smudged it off, and even underneath where you can see the tracing outlines of a paint-by-number picture.

    So pick up and move on…we fall in love a thousand times with every smile in a bar, every eye that we meet, every form that we admire – really, this is just one…and there’s another one out there waiting for you – the man that drops his keys to his car in front of you, the man that make you coffee, the man sitting on the bench at the park watching squirrels.

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