Lost Friend

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81758-True-FriendsA relationship is a beautiful thing. It’s so hard to make things work with two competing personalities trying to merge and become one, it’s just special and a blessing to see and be a part of. If you are the one on the outside looking in as your friends begin the journey, it’s easy to feel some kind of way, maybe even jealous. With the addition of this new person in the mix, your friend will naturally begin to pull away some, maybe even a lot leaving the friendship at a stand still while they figure out if a relationship is even worth pursing. And then they become a couple; now the two become three, maybe four due to the friendship of the new significant other. So what to do?

The easy answer is to be supportive and get over it. Not a lot of people are perfectly okay being without a loving partner and just enjoying their friends. Some who say they are actually have chosen to be on the defensive, as their attempts to find that special someone has been less than successful. Others fill the void with sexual hunting and gathering, obviously still wanting some kind of connection, opting for the easiest and less involving tryst. But we all want someone in our lives beyond family and friends. When your friend finds someone they feel is a match for them, the best and really only thing one can do is be support and hope they’re next (if only it were that easy ).

friendsFriendships are the last connection before a romantic one. Sometimes I like to think of relationships as intimate friendships because I have amazing friends and want my husband to be my best friend I happen to have sex with ( and treat like a king ). Often times friendships don’t progress to a romantic level out of fear in losing that friendship, alternating relationship schedules ( they have someone when you are single and vice versa ), or not enough sexual chemistry. In a friendship, the same kind of work is require with enjoying interests, making time, being considerate and just allowing each other to still remain themselves. It’s understandable that adding another friend, and then possible partner to the mix will take away from the time spent with others but nonetheless it’s unpleasant.

I can hear some of you suck your teeth at the ego and selfishness of whatever friend might begrudge another’s happiness. To that I say, are you paying attention to life? I have amazing friends but they get jealous if I hang with one over the other like I do. They get made when cancellations happen and speculate on the real reason just as I do. 1709And come on, who hasn’t wanted to just hang with their bestie when out of the blue a mutual friend or new stranger gets invited without warning ( or even with a little ). It’s natural to be self-centric but it is still damaging.

The damage can come in many ways. Outwardly showing animosity towards the new addition, friend or potential partner, can ruin a strong friendship. Showing any kind of agitation or jealous in general will do but when directed at a new friend or partner it’s doubling down on an otherwise ugly emotion. The other damage can come to you. Negative emotions are internal and affect you more than even an outward expression of said emotion. The baggage is left with you once the target is gone. The obsession with the situation, confusion of the source, and wondering if the target of those emotions are even still thinking about it as you currently still are can be maddening.  I say this about all negative emotions, even as I have yet to control my own, I am more than aware of the damage I am doing to myself and am making the necessary corrections.

imageThe reality is there isn’t any set rules to friendship. It sucks when you are talking all the time, hanging out a few times a week and then it’s reduced to make room for a new friend or relationship. It hurts more when the other isn’t trying  to make new friends or date; while you are putting out all the honey you can manage ( organic honey at that ) still coming up empty. But your friend is your friend and I’m sure you would want their support just as much as they want yours. It’s about not becoming so attached to the time and person, as you should really be to their spirit and energy. Just because that person is not present all the time, or as much as before doesn’t mean the love and friendship is any less.  A romantic coupling demands so much more than a friendship and with major implications if all goes well. This kind of vetting is important.

So guess what, the friendship isn’t lost but it could be if you don’t act right. The best thing to do is be supportive. The next thing to do is just be honest and voice your concerns. A good friend will hear you are coming from a place of love in not wanting to lose out on a meaningful friendship. A bad friend will, well you probably don’t need me to tell you.

imageAnd really you might have just gained a new friend that will be just as meaningful, and could introduce you to the romantic love that was just out of your reach. I’m just sayin’.

 

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